i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
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I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.