Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
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“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.