When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
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Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.