the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
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Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
That’s easy for you to say
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.