me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
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Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
they finally got him. they got macavity
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.