who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
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I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.