I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
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Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.