Alexa, make me look good naked.
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Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Very good news from my accountant
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*