What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
You Might Also Like
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Finally, a door that understands me
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.