Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
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I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
be careful
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says