An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
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Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Good Morning.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.