There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
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Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
🤣dope
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Boating season is upon us.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit