CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
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Oops I deleted….
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me