Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
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I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Brilliant!
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…