I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
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I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast