Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
You Might Also Like
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy