Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
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EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
WHAT SIGN IS SHE