I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
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hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
This is my cat’s medicine.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?