Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
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Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
[the middle of showering] I need a break
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.