My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
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there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
accurate
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks