interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
You Might Also Like
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!