Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
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If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Finally, an instrument I can play!
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Alexa: *deep breath*
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”