Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
You Might Also Like
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
School be like
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone