Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
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[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work