Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
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Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
giddy up Office Depot
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA