If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
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“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.