I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
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Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
She was REALLY feeling it.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.