SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
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Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.