Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
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This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I ate everything, including the H.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.