[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
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I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…