Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
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any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?