Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
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Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.