There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
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NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
You can’t outrun your problems…
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot