Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
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GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.