I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
You Might Also Like
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Ha
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.