How long do you have to wait between naps?
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[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?