Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
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Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.