I’m dying louder than usual today.
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I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Dance like you’re not the father
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA