Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
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Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
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⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
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My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
A game married people play.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin