Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
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“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter