Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
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ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Mmmm. Shoeshi
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
I think about this a lot
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
You can’t rush stupid.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself