Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
You Might Also Like
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right