[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
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Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life