I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
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Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*