I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
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Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.