If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
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I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Your honor these allegations are
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.