Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
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Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*