“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
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Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Europe. Made in Germany.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?