Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
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Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…