“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
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If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
oh no, steve’s working tonight
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms